Title: The Story of a Hero - Chapter 10, Part I Post by: Brother-Captain Severus, Deserted Legion 3rd Company Master on December 30, 2006, 03:48:56 PM I split the chapter in to two parts mainly because Chapter 10 is the longest chapter, and it took me 13 days to plan and write. Anyways, here it is. Enjoy :D
--- A power fist. An iron blade. An ork skull chained to a suit of Artificer Armour. Tereus ran out of the thunderhawk and on to the dunes, towards a horde of Chaos marines. A command squad followed. Lucius stepped out of the same Thunderhawk with Severus and a seven-man retinue and three servo-skulls. All of them followed Tereus in to battle. Elsewhere, Magus stomped towards the first Carnifex armed with the sword and hammer. As the carnifex slashed its first talon towards Magus, Magus slashed a part of its carapace with the edge of the hammer. The carnifex didn't react to the damage caused, it just pierced a hole in Magus' leg, which Magus didn't approve of well. In fact, he threw the sword in to the carnifex's eye, making it scream in dire pain. Four space marines armed with bolters fired at the carnifex, all accompanied by Chaplain Cassius. The carnifex dropped Magus, making him fall to the ground and let go of the hammer. On the dunes, Severus slashed at a Chaos marine with his lightning claws, tearing through his armour. Two other Chaos marines fired at Severus, but the impact of the bolter rounds was very weak. As the Chaos marines ran empty on their ammunition, Tereus smited them with his power fist. Three Inquisitorial acolytes in power armour fired their bolters at more Chaos marines, quite unnaturally bursting holes in their power armour. Lucius joined in by firing four Hellpistol shots at the rest of the squad. Severus also joined in and made it clear it was a bad idea to hang around him, mainly as he was dangerous with a pair of lightning claws. Magus grunted as he got up. He reached for the hammer but was stopped when a hormogaunt slashed at him. Magus grabbed the creature's scything talons, split them from its arms then stabbed the creature in the eyes with them. Chaplain Cassius reacted to the Hormogaunt by shooting it in the face with his bolt pistol. Hiowever this distraction put the Chaplain to the floor with one of the carnifex's scything talons. Suddenly, a blue force of lightning struck the carnifex with great strength. Just a few metres away, Tigurius, Ultramarines' Chirf-Librarian, conjured lightning from his gauntlet at the carnifex. Eventually, the carnifex disintergrated and Tigurius stopped. However when he stopped, he fell to the ground on all fours, dropping his rod. He recovered quickly and grabbed his rod from the ground. Back on the dunes, the Chaos marines were running. There were only a few left, and it seemed Severus, Tereus and Lucius had made it clear that if anything stood in their path, they would clear it by any means necessary. The three acolytes reloaded their bolters and ran back towards Lucius. Lucius was grinning as if he were happy. "Should we not chase them, sir?" the first Acolyte asked Lucius. Lucius shook his head. "That wouldn't be necessary," he answered, "seeing as they're coming back." And the worst of it was that they were, only with a lot more people. They also had a Land Raider with them. Severus got furious. "One last time brothers," he spoke, as he approached the hordes of Chaos. "One last charge in to battle on this planet. For the Emperor!" Magus picked up the hammer from the ground. Chaplain Cassius ran towards him. "Where's young Calgar?" he asked Magus. Magus pointed toawrds a Trygon. Quite surprisingly, Marneus Calgar was fighting it. The Chaplain and the Librarian joined Calgar in battle against the Trygon. --- Feel free to comment. Criticism welcomed. Part II, we look at our hero, Cassius, fighting his way through the tower to stop the forces of Chaos from destroying an Imperial planet. We also look at Marneus Calgar's battle against the Trygon. Title: The Story of a Hero - Chapter 10, Part I Post by: Rebellion on December 31, 2006, 08:54:06 PM Nice.
Eh...something about the way you write. Strange, it is. Its like A game. "He saw the carnifex" *YOUR TURN* "He threw the hammer"...Its a bit... I cant really explain it, but it makes me cringe :( Anyways, its your way of putting detail in battle, and i can see that it works quite well, but as i said, makes me cringe. Great work overall :D Title: The Story of a Hero - Chapter 10, Part I Post by: Brother-Captain Severus, Deserted Legion 3rd Company Master on December 31, 2006, 09:33:28 PM Thanks for the comments :D I'll remember not to make it look like a game... lol
Title: The Story of a Hero - Chapter 10, Part I Post by: Wolf on December 31, 2006, 11:53:48 PM u have made a consistant style of writing in ur stories, which i respect, admire and overall quite like. my only points, which now pops into my head, and would really make the next chapter stick in my mind, would be your language. As in, i want to see emotion, description, different descriptive techniques. That sort of thing. Give the enxt chapter some real power :D
Title: The Story of a Hero - Chapter 10, Part I Post by: Fulgrim on January 01, 2007, 02:35:33 AM Yeh, like people already said you have made your own style and personally I kinda like it. It reminds me of some kind of action movie.
The chapter this time was pretty nice I think, but somehow it needs more epicness into it. Not to say that this was bad at all but next time you got to write something huge especially if this is the ending battle. I wish you some good luck with it :) Title: The Story of a Hero - Chapter 10, Part I Post by: Brother-Captain Severus, Deserted Legion 3rd Company Master on January 02, 2007, 12:51:28 AM Thaks for the comments :D More are welcome... you know, if you still have any
Title: The Story of a Hero - Chapter 10, Part I Post by: Rebellion on January 02, 2007, 04:59:13 PM Forgot to say how I loved the bit when Magus stabbed the gaunt in the eyes with its own claws...
That was awesome. Title: The Story of a Hero - Chapter 10, Part I Post by: Brother-Captain Severus, Deserted Legion 3rd Company Master on January 02, 2007, 05:41:47 PM Yeah... Well, I'd like to state, Space marines are... what, 20 times as strong as a gaunt?... which gives Magus the clear advantage, I guess.
Title: Re: The Story of a Hero - Chapter 10, Part I Post by: cowz with gunz on February 09, 2010, 01:17:05 AM Quote Nice. Eh...something about the way you write. Strange, it is. Its like A game. "He saw the carnifex" *YOUR TURN* "He threw the hammer"...Its a bit... I cant really explain it, but it makes me cringe Sad Anyways, its your way of putting detail in battle, and i can see that it works quite well, but as i said, makes me cringe. Great work overall Cheesy Lol, I liked the *YOUR TURN* for some reason it made me laugh heh heh heh. |