Pages: [1]
Author Topic: The Story of a Hero - Chapter 4  (Read 25287 times)
Brother-Captain Severus, Deserted Legion 3rd Company Master
Legion of the Damned
Marine
****
Posts: 142


View Profile WWW
« on: September 14, 2006, 11:47:43 AM »

Buckle up, the next one's here.

---

A few hours had passed since the Guardsman had repeated the orders from the Inquisitor. Cassius was now standing up. "Oh god I hate sitting down," he said. "Anyone got food?"
"Here," the guardsman said, taking a bottgle of water from a pack. "Drink this."
Cassius took the water and began drinking it. Just a few seconds later, he tripped. But he managed to keep himself standing.
The guardsman took the water and signalled for Cassius to sit down. Cassius did so.
"Hey guys," one space marine started. "Do you trhink this'll be a one-off mission?"
"I don't think so," another space marine said.
Cassius looked up, recognizing the helmet-disguised voice. "Brother Magus," he said.
The Space marine took off his helmet. Cassius nodded. It was Magus. "I didn't know you would be assigned for this Cassius," Magus commented.
"Of course. Hey, remember two years ago? We'd got seperated and I had the Sergeant's hammer, I smashed it off?"
"Yeah, I remember. That was purely cool to say the least."
The conversation had attracted the rest of the space marines.
"Tell us everything Brothers," a space marine demanded.
"Well," Magus began. "We were at the Battle for Orion IV..."
Five minutes later, Magus was finishing the story. "Cassius was rescued by a Thunderhawk. His exile had passed, and now he'd start a new life without having to put up with anyone."
"Who's anyone?"
"Brother-Captain Severus."
Severus. The very name penetrated Cassius's mind like a splinter. "Oh god..."
"Cassius?"
"I just keep thinking of that guy, Magus. He's always laughing around, I don't really think of him as a serious man. And exiling me... I mean what was that? Over the top for having such ludicrous rules?"
"Honour your brothers, Brother Cassius. Dead or alive, They'd honour you."
"Since when has anyone honoured me?" Cassius was serious now. "Come on, I wanna hear an answer!"
The thunderhawk rattled. An explosion was heard from outside.

Mordeus looked up. He knew someone was coming. In the sky were lights. He recognized them almost immediately. He walked over to a group of fire warriors. "Fire the Ion Cannon," he commanded. "I want them blown out of the sky."
"Yes sir," one fire warrior said. He walked off with the other fire warriors.

"Have we been spotted?" Magus asked.
"I can't say so," Cassius stared, "but-"
A beam of light passed by the Thunderhawk. Cassius looked away, shielding his face with his arm.
"Yeah, liuke that's going to help."

Mordeus smiled. The light had disappeared. There was a small explosion in the sky.

"Holy hell, we're heading down!" Cassius shouted as the thunderhawk began to tilt. "Heads up guys, we're heading for Kronos IX at a very high speed!"

Mordeus frowned. A Thunderhawk was entering the atmosphere. He could tell it weas going to land nearby, judging by the angle of the ship.

"Everyone, against the walls! We're losing control fast!"
"Don't you think we already know that?" Cassius shouted.

The Thunderhawk was now in the Atmosphere. It was heading down very fast, and Mordeus knew that there was no chance of anyone surviving. But luckily for the imperials inside and sadly for Mordeus, the thunderhawk was heading down as if it were landing again. Somehow, the thunderhawk had tilted back on to its base.

"Ah god... oh jesus, what the..."
The main door opened. Cassius was one of the marines leaning on the door and he knew it was a mistake.
Magus walked forward on to the sand where they had landed. "Guys..." Magus started. "This is Kronos IX. Rules are that if anyone approaches, shoot them. If any fire warriors come close, be sure to throw a volley of hailing bullets at them. Even better, load them in the Ion Cannon and press the red button."
"You humourise too much Magus," Cassius said before patting him on the shoulder and walking off. He had a bolter in his hand.
Magus looked around and grabbed a meltagun. The other space marines were armed with bolters, and the last one had a plasma cannon.
"Damnit, why couldn't I be taught about this stuff?" Magus complained.
"Sorry Magus," A marine said, passing him. "It's just life."
Magus stammered for words, then eventually gave up. He had a meltagun in his hands. Well it's better than nothing, he thought.

---

Comments? Please note that if my writing skills are getting worse, I'm going over the top or I am using worse grammar (all in which I'm not siure of in this episode and have proof-read), please tell me. Criticism welcomed.
Logged

"The Emperor's light alone will I follow. I am commanded by no other, for he is the true emperor, and saviour to our people. In his name I shall fear no danger nor feel the greatest suffering from my enemy." - Tyranus Morin, Deserted Legion Chapter Master

Wolf
Moderator
Marine
*****
Posts: 270


View Profile
« Reply #1 on: September 14, 2006, 01:36:07 PM »

overall, i like the story, ur grammaer etc. doesnt bother me as mine is worse. just 1 question, how did the T-Hawk un tilit itself and whata ctually happened to it? was it hit, glanced, shook? i jsut got a lil confused  Cheesy
Logged

img]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v688/benny14/866567587.jpg[/img]  

"Remember the First!"

Brother-Captain Severus, Deserted Legion 3rd Company Master
Legion of the Damned
Marine
****
Posts: 142


View Profile WWW
« Reply #2 on: September 14, 2006, 04:29:19 PM »

It missed, but the radiation severely damaged it. Anyways, I'll keep an eye for that.
Logged

"The Emperor's light alone will I follow. I am commanded by no other, for he is the true emperor, and saviour to our people. In his name I shall fear no danger nor feel the greatest suffering from my enemy." - Tyranus Morin, Deserted Legion Chapter Master

Fulgrim
Guardsman
**
Posts: 33


View Profile
« Reply #3 on: September 14, 2006, 05:44:13 PM »

The story is getting better again. I don't see any real problems with grammar either.

I kept noticing you used words like "oh god" and "jesus" with your characters. Isn't that a little un-40k? It's not any real problem but those little  things make the atomosphere
Logged

AAAAAAH!

Brother-Captain Severus, Deserted Legion 3rd Company Master
Legion of the Damned
Marine
****
Posts: 142


View Profile WWW
« Reply #4 on: September 20, 2006, 11:40:28 AM »

Quote from: "Fulgrim"
I kept noticing you used words like "oh god" and "jesus" with your characters. Isn't that a little un-40k? It's not any real problem but those little  things make the atomosphere


I was going to use "in the name of the inquisitor" but I decided against it. I couldn't think of any other words to replace it, so I used that instead.
Logged

"The Emperor's light alone will I follow. I am commanded by no other, for he is the true emperor, and saviour to our people. In his name I shall fear no danger nor feel the greatest suffering from my enemy." - Tyranus Morin, Deserted Legion Chapter Master

Typheron
Moderator
Marine Chaplain
*****
Posts: 939



View Profile WWW
« Reply #5 on: September 20, 2006, 01:45:49 PM »

thats a good point there, in the 41st millenium its The Emperor, thats all him on the throne is known as.

there would be local superstitons and saints, Feth from the Tanith 1st and only springs to mind (she was a local spirit of the forest on their home world before it got the shit blown out of it).

It should probably read;

"By the Emperor, What the!"
Logged

God of the outer darkness. bringer of evil, storms, plague, misery, and torment. Protects fugitives, Apparently...

Brother-Captain Severus, Deserted Legion 3rd Company Master
Legion of the Damned
Marine
****
Posts: 142


View Profile WWW
« Reply #6 on: September 20, 2006, 01:47:57 PM »

Yeah, that was a real bummer for the people on Tanith.
Logged

"The Emperor's light alone will I follow. I am commanded by no other, for he is the true emperor, and saviour to our people. In his name I shall fear no danger nor feel the greatest suffering from my enemy." - Tyranus Morin, Deserted Legion Chapter Master

Fulgrim
Guardsman
**
Posts: 33


View Profile
« Reply #7 on: September 21, 2006, 02:29:29 PM »

Also, there's always the "Emperor's teeth" found in a lot of GW fluff and books used as a curse
Logged

AAAAAAH!

Rebellion
Marine Scout
***
Posts: 87


View Profile
« Reply #8 on: November 18, 2006, 02:21:41 PM »

Gain, great story, but very un-marine like. "Cool" used  again :cry: . The space marine are like posh people. They dont use slang etc. Stuck to all the fluff though. Nice story, overall Cheesy
Logged

f it's stupid, but it works, it's not stupid.

Pages: [1]
Print
Jump to: